Sunday, July 31, 2005

Yo VIP, Let's Kick It.

So this DC blogger RCR goes off on a rant about adult kickball, at the end of his post entitled “I Don't Wish I Was A Baller.” Although I didnt agree with much of it, it was pretty good rant, and it even ends up being quoted in the DC Express. Next thing you know his blog is inundated with kickball defenders, and a battle erupts in the comments. Im usually down with the hipster blogs, but RCR makes some pretty asinine points in defending his position.

Living my whole life in the adult kickball capital of the world, DC, I have always had similar feelings about kickball players – shouldn’t these people make a choice: play a real sport or just go drinking, but why mix the two with this kids game. Turns I was WRONG, and I actually have to side with the kickballers over the too-cool-for-school hipster bloggers. I played kickball last season for the first time ever, and that shit was pretty damn fun. I play in enough serious or semi-serious sports leagues to appreciate a game where you can drink during the action, and chill oustide with friends on a nice night.

Now our WAKA leagues may not contain some of the “hippest Washingtonians,” but if you start a team with a bunch of your own peeps, who gives a fuck who else is in the league, or whether they rock sweat pants from eigth grade. Once you get a bunch of people who like to hang out together anyway, this “sport” gives everyone an opportunity to drink outside, in public, on the mall, and not have to worry about the man bringing us down.

I’m usually down with hipster blogs, but when RCR complains about people joining a kickball league just to “hook up” “get drunk on weeknights” and play stupid “drinking games” I don’t get it. Last time I checked those are all valid reasons to participate in any activity. It’s not like we are hanging in McFaddens on Friday night with 500 of our closest friends trying to scream over the new Xtina Aguilera joint, or we are buying $15 mixed drinks at Modern. Another baseless criticism lobbed by RCR is that kickball players are just “buying freinds.” Ok, this is where I really draw the line, I refuse to listen to any former UVA frat boy trying to lecture me about buying friends. If you go to a big state school like MD, UVA, JMU, WVU, with tons of options, and you still decide to join a frat - that is your decision, but don’t even think of trying to criticize others for trying to buy friends. That is just about as redonkulously stupid as Bernard Goldberg writing a book about bias. Next thing you know he will criticize all those stupid bloggers for expressing their opinions on the internets.

The rest of the kickball haterz comments are also puzzling to me. I thought hipsters were supposed to ENJOY going to bars in stinky t-shirts and drinking on random weeknights. In his criticism of kickballers, RCR sounds like one of those clowns who would rather put on $300 black pants and a fuckin striped shirt and wait in line at 1223 for $12 dollar vodka and red bull. I typically like the music and entertainment that RCR and his hipster blog-friends link to on their blogs, but I just cant figure out all the kickball hate. Look I hate 99.5-pop music, stupid ass comic book movies, and McFaddens as much as the next guy, but since when did being a hipster elitist fuck mean that I’m supposed to also hate drinking cheap pitchers of beer on Tuesday and wearing t-shirts. Im confused. Who said you cant listen to Wilco or Bloc Party and still enjoy kickball? Why are they mutually exclusive? Im not too cool to go to the Exchange on a Tuesday with my buddies and drink pitchers of cold Miller Lite. Kickball is fun, drinking is fun, wearing dirty t-shirts instead of fuckin striped shirts all the time is fun, and playin flip cup is sometimes fun. Sorry, I must break ranks with the hipster blogs on these points. Word.


Turning to the unquestionably "real" sport of futbol (unquestioned except by those jim-rome-quoting, america-fuck-yeah-singing, blue-collar-commedy-tour-loving, french-hating, soccer-bashers), I went to the DC United game last week and had a blast. Derek set up an amazing tailgate, despite failing to install these goal urinals on the back of his car as requested

We were promised a brazillian barbeque, and although I saw no actual Brazillians, the Donkies did not dissapoint. I learned that my Bolivian friends are better chefs than the Brazillians anyway. Marco’s Corona-infused steak should be a tailgate staple for years to come. After the BBQ, the parking-lot soccer match was also a hit. Desptie Brett and Otto’s best efforts and stellar play, Juan had the play of the game when he was decked to the pavement but managed not to spill one drop of his beer. In the actual professional game, United struck first on a sweet header off a corner kick, and we erupted into song with La Barra Brava. It turned out, however, to be a glimmer of false hope as the top squad from the English Premeier League restored order to the universe and took the lead in the second half. In the end it didn’t matter because United fought hard, almost emerged victorious against a strong international squad, and a good time was had by all the Donkies. Maybe it is no fluke that USA has risen to #6 in the latest FIFA rankings, above France, England, and Spain.

US #6
1) Brazil
2) Argentina
3) Netherlands
4) Czech Republic
5) Mexico
6) USA
7) France
8) England
9) Spain
10) Portugal


How great is TIVO/DVR. I just looked at the season recordings set on my box (no homo) and it turns out that I have almost 20 current shows set to record wither weekly or daily, including: The Daily Show, Family Guy, 30 Days, Entourage, The Al Franken Show, American Dad, Big Brother, Countdown with Keith Olberman, Real World, Best Week Ever, BBQ with Bobby Flay, Meet the Press, The Soup, MLS Wrap, Kill Reality, The Office (BBC America).

Is there anyone else in the world with an odder mix of reality shows and political talk shows? I doubt it.


Final serious news. The Bush administration tried to shift attention from the Rove scandal by accelerating their decision to pick a supreme court justice. They actually picked a guy a few weeks earlier than they wanted, just to deflect attention. Didn't work. Rove Rove Rove, see my attention hasnt shifted yet.


Listening to while writing this post: My Morning Jacket - It Still Moves; Wicker Park Soundtrack; M. Ward - Transistor Radio

Monday, July 18, 2005

It does not make sense!

An update on the Gary Williams picture, identified by Mr. McDonkerton last week

Apparently the picture in question was shot at Dewey Beach, and instead of chugging with co-eds, everyone in the beach house is “30-40 years old,” according to an alleged housemate. Gary was simply at the beach having a good time and someone caught him in a awkard looking picture, and not inebriated.

Anyway, I have no problem with Gary goin to the beach to tip a few back and munch on some chicken. Drunk or not, the picture is high-larious. Also, according the UMD alumni on the McDonkerton site, it is no surprise to see Gary a little hammer-timed, as he often makes the rounds to the five College Park bars in that same state of inebriation. Sounds like a coach simply trying to stay in touch with his public, I say "go for it Gary - you earned it."

For some reason, however, I seriously doubt Fridge Freidgen would be caught on camera with only two small pieces of chicken. After downing a few beers at Dewey, Friedgen would more likely be rollin' with a whole bucket of Extra tasty crispy and maybe even a steamed rock lobster. Rock Lobster!!


In another conversation last week, Senor McDonkerton asked how Fox News could be considered the network of republican propaganda, while the regular broadcast Fox network has so many good shows. This is something I have wondered for years. There are many cutting-edge and even subversive shows on the main Fox Network: Simpsons, Family Guy, Arrested Development, etc. At the same time, however, Fox News continues to be a shill for the republican party with no journalistic standards. Well this dichotomy seems to have even irked and confused the ruler of fox-news Rupert Murdoch. Fox News had such a hard time understanding this mixture that THEY TRIED TO SUE THEMSELVES over a Simpsons episode that was mocking fox news. Thats right, the Simpsons ran an episode that infuriated Fox News, and the idiots tried to sue...themselves. Now, I'm no lawyer (well I'm not an entertainment lawyer) but suiing yourself seems pretty damned stupid.


Since my last post, Larry Hughes decided to take the money and run from the Wizards, and I cant really blame him for that. But the basketball-genius that is Ernie Grunfeld has managed to weather the storm. The Wizards obtained Caron (Pharell) Butler and Chucky Atkins-Diet in exchange for the quitter Kwame Brown and they are currently working on signing a power forward (likely donyell marshall). Once Ernie’s PF is signed the Wiz should have a better lineup than last year, even without Hughes:

PG: Arenas - Atkins - Blake
SG: Butler - Hayes
SF: Jamison - Jeffries
PF: Donyell Marshall - Ruffin - Blatche (rookie)
C: Haywood - E. Thomas

Thats pretty good work by Grunfeld, and that is why the Redskins need a damn general manager.


And finally, in the serious news segment, Karl Rove’s attorney may soon be employing the chewbacca defense.

Here is the defense laid out:
But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider: Ladies and gentlemen this [pointing to a picture of Chewbacca] is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee—an eight foot tall Wookiee—want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!
But more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense!
Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense!
And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense.
If Chewbacca lived on Endor, you must acquit Karl Rove! The defense rests.

You can listen to the Rove/Chef Chebacca Defense here.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Hermaphroditic crab bombs: F Karl Rove volume 2

Just got done explaining to Southern Virginians the difference between male crabs (wash monument) and female crabs (capitol dome) and now this crazy mixture pops up.


With our entry in the Regional Finals, Donkies kickball is among the top 40 teams in the nation. Therefore, the Wall Street Journal decided to run a story on adult kickball. It beats the usual crap on their editorial page. In other news, I also heard that next week the Economist will run a 5-page feature on Donkies Soccer, after we crushed Richard Montgomery's Varsity soccer team last night. Guess us old guys can still get up and down the field.


I am writing this post from my own internets. But apparently someone was finally arrested for stealing a wi-fi signal. Is it still stealing if your neighbor doesn't encrypt their signal and you are using it in your own house? Techie geeks feel free to discuss.


WWTCD. Tom would not want you to steal internets. Tom: "Scott. You're being glib. Scott. You don't understand the internet, I do." He also doesn't want you to take any medicine. An open letter to Cruise by the Poopster. High-larious.


Can someone explain to me why there are hundreds of imitations of Dr. Pepper. Personal favorite: Mr. Pig from Piggly Wiggly, but I doubt a mere "Mr." can compete with the good doctor.


As Bryan would say. I love articles written in Hebrew reportedly stating that Sarunas J@#$#vicus is going to sign with Celtics. If anyone out there studied 1000 times harder for their Bar Mitzvah than I did, please transalte.


Be careful next time you roll on route 66. Apparently this cop shot, ran-over, and strangled a deer who fell 30 feet from an overpass.


And finally, as is tradition, I will end with the serious stuff. Al Queda, if they are responsible, must pay for these attacks on London. I still can't understand why we stopped trying to track down Osama and went to mess around with Iraq. What ever happened to fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don’t have to fight them at home? So much for that theory.

While we should have been tracking down Osama. Senior administration officials were too busy leaking the names of CIA agents to reporters and busting their cover. As of now all signs point to Karl Rove as at least one of the leakers. First he accuses us "liberals" of treasonus acts now it very possible that he actually committed treason by outing a CIA agent, or at least lied about what he actually did to a grand jury. Once again, F Rove. F him with a hermaphroditic crab.