Monday, October 31, 2005

The Guess Who suck, the Jets were lousy anyway

A lot has happened here in DC in the week since since my last post. As predicted, the DC council stepped up and thankfully allowed us to drive again after drinking.

Also the council acted to ban smoking in workplaces, including bars and restaurants, but the ban doesn’t come into effect until 2007. So in just one year we will be able to go out, drink, drive home - and not have to worry about smelling like an ashtray on when we get there. Sounds like a good deal all around.

Next big DC event: Cam'ron was shot on the east side of North Captol street. Great quote: "I got shot three times and my album comes out Nov. 22,"

In other HUGE DC news, FITZMAS was very eventful, as Scooter Libby was indicted on five counts and Karl Rove remains under investigation, so we may get weeks and weeks of Fitzmas, what a way to ring in the holiday season.

Finally, the biggest DC news of all. While old JC had a virgin mother named Madonna, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted in DC hanging with three different Madonnas at once (I was a FSM with a pimp cup, so?)

Apparently, he was spotted in Canton on Friday night and Gtown on Saturday.


If you are looking for some good reviews, look no further than McSweeneys Reccomends, not just boring album reviews, but they reccomend everything.

Among the many wonderful things reccomended by McSweeneys, in no particular order, Refrigerating Fresh Grapes, Gilbert Arenas, the trailer to Jarhead with Kanye West’s “Jesus Walk’s”, owning your own washer/dryer, and an Edward Hopper painting. These are such solid reccomendations that I can overlook the reccomendation for “Not Driving” and my interest is officially piqued for some of the their unknown reccomendations.


If you are worried about injuries hurting your fantasy team, you can now get actual insurance. Someone shoulda told me that before Deuce went out for the year.


I'm thinkin about finally breakin down and getting an Ipod. I think the brand new big jounks with video capabilities looks like the way to go. If anybody knows how to get a discounted new generation ipod, let me know.


If you wanna know why I don’t update this blog enough, it is because I have been billing an mildly insane amount of hours at the job. If you want to know why I haven’t been billing a totally insane amount of hours, it is because I am addicted to the internets. Not just the good stuff on the internets but anything on the internets. In the middle of an important assignment at work, I can be distracted for hours at a time by the mere presence of a broadband connection.

As an example of just how these random intranets lure me in, allow me to recap one of the most random, but far too common mis-adventures in my internets history. This journey all occurred while I was drafting an important motion at 8:00 p.m. on a Thursday. You can skip everything within this set of asterisks if you are bored by non-sensical ramblings regarding a stream of conscious journey through the interwebs.

OK so here is my recap of 30 random minutes on a Wednesday night. While working away, I am listening to a song by the Weakerthans. The chorus of the song repeatedly states “I hate Winnipeg” and at the singer cries: “the Guess Who suck, the Jets were lousy anyway.” This line makes me stop working and wonder whatever happened to the Winnepeg Jets, and where the hell is Winnepeg in Canada, and how did they even have a professional sports franchise, and what happened to the autographed puck that was in my bedroom at home. Thats when I fire up google and the distractions begin.

First I google Winnepeg and discover that the lead singer does not actually hate Winnepeg but it is a literary device where he speaks as others in the song. Damn Canadians and their literary devices. At this point I have learned enough about the song and should get back to work but, despite the fact that I am on a deadline, I plug Winnepeg into google Maps to find out where the hell it is. I soon discover that it is a couple hours north of Grand Forks North Dakota, which is a couple hours North of Fargo. Now I know nothing about any of these places except that it snows a lot in Fargo and apparently people get put in wood chippers (or at least in Coen brothers movies). But now I feel compelled to figure out how big Winnepeg is and how they could support an NHL franchise.

I locate the main Winnepeg paper and go immediately for the sports section. The first article is a blockbuster story about female curling championships in Winnepeg and I remain confused about the town. The next story is on the local Canadian Football League team which was destroyed the week before, 44-1.

At this point I really need to get back to work but there is one item in the story that wont let me go. THEY SCORED ONE POINT??? I know it is Canada but how can you score an extra point without the touchdown? After minutes of furious searching I find an online debate about the Rouge or “single point” that exists in Canadian football.
“If the ball is kicked into the goal area by an opponent, a rouge is scored (1) when the ball becomes dead in possession of a team in its own goal area or (2) when the ball touches or crosses the deadline, or a side-line-in-goal, and touches the ground, a player, or some object beyond these lines.”
In other words, in the Canadian Football League any kicked ball that goes out of the endzone results in one point for the kicking team. This shit is freaking crazy, screw the deadline on my motion, I must learn whether you can punt the ball out of the endzone and earn a point.
I must learn more. I keep reading and yes, it applies to any kick including a punt, field goal, or kickoff. At this point, with my mind sufficiently blown, I pull up my Word Perfect document and continue doing the work I get paid for. Oh you glorious internets, why must you tempt me with your hours of diversionary fun. Does anybody else get sucked into the internets in this way?

Monday, October 17, 2005

I said a Banana Nutrament, man. Not a glass of wine.

Apparently the cops in DC have now decided that you can be arrested if driving after one glass of wine. That shit is redonkulous and needs to be stopped. Thankfully some associates of mine are working with a friendly DC Council member to get a new law proposed very very soon.

And if you think cops cracking down on people who have one drink is bad, the FBI is actually diverting people away from homeland security to crack down on parno. And they are risking our homeland security not to bust kiddie parno, but the kind made by and for consensual adults according to the W.Post. The FBI has actually started an "anti-obscenity squad" that has been described as "one of the top priorities" of Bush crony Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales. ((I think a lot of the policies of this administration are obscene but I have no squad to stop it. ))

((True story involving a very bad joke on this item: I actually overheard James Carville say to Tommy the GM at the Palm [how is that for name dropping] “The FBI created this squad because they are looking for weapons of mass erections.” Why does he remind me of quagmire....giiiiggity .))


An attorney at my previous firm has an autographed picture of Dick Cheney smirking on his bookcase. Everytime I walked by the thing I couldnt help but cringing, and I always thought the guy’s eyes were following me around the room. Well this may be the sweetest revenge on that damn photo. Cheney himself may be targeted by the Prosecutor in the Valerie Plame leak case. Cheney, Libby, Rove, Frist, Delay, Abramoff -- ohh please dont make it stop.


After hours of CNN, MSNBC, and Discovery Times - I still love me some trash-reality tv, so is there anyway I could resist a Kill Reality Director’s Cut DVD. If this animal is ever offered on my RCN pay-per-view on-demand there is no doubt I would purchase.

I mean how can you resist watching reality "stars" like the Real World's Tonya and Trishelle participating in coke fueled orgies while getting dumps taken on them by an idiot named Johnny Fairplay. I’m all over this thing.


Internets Geekiness alert. Skip ahead to the next line of asterisks to avoid the geeky goodness.

RSS aggregating is the bizzomb. If your blog, website or news-service doesn’t have RSS capability, I probably don’t read it. I use the live bookmarks on firefox constantly, and I also use “My Yahoo” to aggregate all of my blogs and websites into one readable place. Now Google, in its continuing quest to take over the world, has added the Google Reader.

I know, with My Yahoo and live bookmarks, it seems like I have no need for Google Reader but it has some advantages over My Yahoo - so guess what - I use them all. You can never have too many portals to the internets, and it keeps you from having to check all the sites every day. How else would you know when some big brown guy who rarely updates his blog tatoos an obscure Simpsons symbol on his arm.

Google Reader is a little different from My Yahoo because it takes all of your websites and puts the full posts in one place to read without clicking out, and then puts the postings from all of the sites in chronological order from newest to latest. Therefore I can be reading stories from national blogs like huffington post and see a story on Donkies soccer jump up to the top. It takes a while to get all the sites loaded but about one full day after loading it up, you can simply go to the Reader homepage throughout the day, and the newest posts from all your favorite blogs pop right up. As of now, My Yahoo is still the best for me, but once I get google reader totally figured out, it may take the cake.


Ever since I made the Flying Spaghetti Monster the mascot for my fantasy football team, the FC Donkies, the team has seemingly been cursed. The injuries started piling up quickly: my #1 keeper (deuce) - out for the year; 1st draft pick (cadillac) - injured & out again; 2nd draft pick (h.ward) - injured and out; 3rd draft pick (a.johnson) - injured and out; Next RB taken (duce s.) - hasn’t played all year. I thought the FSM was trying to get back at me for something, but then he took my team of backups and led them to another victory this weekend, so the FSM is still pasta-riffic.


Apparently FSM is watching over the other Donkies teams too, as they keep rolling along. Donkies football in 1st place . Donkies soccer in 1st place. Donkies kickball in the final four.


The following is a direct quote from a personal love-letter sent from our newest Supreme Court nominee to Dubya, while Dubya was governor of Texas:
You are the best governor ever.”
HAHA. I don’t know what kinda judge she will be but this sure proves her blockbuster ability to (not) judge people.


These DCist maps are pretty tight. They have basically taken Google Maps and imbedded each metro station onto a map of DC. Once there, you can put in your own location-points onto the map and then save the map as a web page - and link to it with a simple URL. Money.


The beer looter that I analyzed a few weeks ago now has his own homepage. There are some messed up photoshops on that mugg, but I think with Deuce McCalister injured and out for the year I may need him in my backfield.

Oh man with looter guy in my starting backfield I will NEVER lose. I bet he will make the pro bowl for the next 20 years. Looter guy would run right over the Burger King/Deion and take it to the house every time.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Like a coin that won't get tossed, Rolling home to you

Three hot rumors today. My interest level in each of the three sadly shows that I may be turining into an old man with old man interests.

1) Nick and Jessica are rumored to be split, but this is quickly denied by their publicists. Big shocker, Fox news rushed to report without confirming. Not terribly exciting news, but hey its a good rumor.

2) Later in the day word comes down that a Britney sex tape will be hitting the streets imminently. Now this is a little more like it. There aren’t too many guys I know who wouldn’t wait in a long line, or at least in a queue on BitTorrent, to peep the Britney flick. Hell, five years ago peeps woulda been shelling out tons of cash for just a black and white, night-vision, paris-hilton style Britney flick.

3) But for some strange reason it is the third unsubstantiated rumor of the day that got me the most excited.
"The D.C. Rumor mill is thrumming with whispers that 22 indictments are about to be handed down on the outed-CIA agent Valerie Plame case . . . we have a bit of advice for Rove: Go with vertical stripes, they’re way more slimming."
Wow! This is the news that this blog has been awaiting for months and months. I have no idea if this is true on Rove, but oh please oh please oh please let it be true.

But what about my ranking of the rumors? IS it strange? Old man take a look at my life I'm a lot like you.

Well, since my last post the flying spaghetti monster has struck again.

One game after guiding two hail-mary’s into the arms of Santana Moss, the FSM directs a Seattle Seahawks FG straight into the left upright and CLANG. Then 5 minutes later he guides a kick from our Maryland rook straight down the middle as I watch on from the 5th row. The Redskins win again, all hail the power of the FSM. (Meanwhile, Gibbs admits to missing the final kick while he was on his knees praying. I’m sure the spaghetti monster would have allowed him to watch that kick, you don’t have to close your eyes to pray to your Pasta-master coach Joe)

The other big news since my last post: Bush was forced to pick a replacement on the Supreme Court and reached out to much respected and esteemed wait, he picked his close friend and personal lawyer. Hahaha.

Conservatives all over the internets are hitting Bush harder than even us liberal communist frenchies, so I will let them have their fun

George Will:
“her nomination is not a defensible exercise of presidential discretion to which senatorial deference is due.” The Miers appointment risks "reducing the Supreme Court to a private plaything useful for fulfilling whims on behalf of friends”

Rod Dreher:
“I fully expect that if Justice Stevens retires, President Bush will nominate his dog Barney to fill that vacant seat. After all, who can a man trust to be loyal more than his dog?”

Ponnuru from NRO:
It's an inspiring testament to the diversity of the president's cronies. Wearing heels is not an impediment to being a presidential crony in this administration! I can only assume that the president felt that his support was slipping in this important bloc, and he had to do something to shore it up.

What they have to realize is what I believe Americablog said best
“You vote for an idiot, and big surprise he makes idiotic decisions.”


If you're heading to Saint Ex be sure to keep the collars down

Lastly, I’m thinkin about rasterbating something for my house

I think this would look pretty tight, what do you fools think?: