Thursday, June 30, 2005

“I would lose the ‘motherfucker’ at the end—’cause you already said ‘fuck’ once. . . . I would change the ‘motherfucker’ to ‘bitch.’

OK I apologize for assisting the MTV hype machine with that god-awful Andy Milickmyownballikonis show. I believe I fast forwarded on my DVR through 98% of that horrible excuse for a show. Now it turns out that the dumbass-fat-kid is really a dumbass-grown-man who looks like a fat kid. At first I thought it was another “rumor on the internets” propagated by Bol but it turns out that this New York Observer article is legit. I have no idea why the article is only saved on a totallycoins website, but that kid is really in his late twenties, and his show is far from funny. Guess 2 minute raps are the only format in which this fake-kid is entertaining. Your much better off watchin old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The guy behind CYE, Larry David, is a comedic genius. He doesnt even need punctuation or sentence structure to write the funniest thing on all internets. Comic gold I tell you.

And if you are really bored at work check out this super long profile of David in the New Yorker. There is a even a partial script layout of the greatest-epsidode-ever: “Krazee Eyez Killa.”


Closer to home, Laurel is representing once again. My hometown’s newest resident, and ex-terp, Chris Wilcox, was arrested headin up 29, maybe to the Colubia mall, with a gat. Millionare Donkey.

The ex-terp news improves though. Affter being ignored for seven years in which he admittedly wasnt ready for the show, Indiana, Portland, Boston, Dallas, Utah and Cleveland are all interested in Sarunas J#$%#$vicus.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Long time, no post: the F Karl Rove edition

He's back. Tired of just hanging out at the waterfront, the legend that is Ron Mexico made yet another appearance. After being dumped by NFL licensing, the "Blitz" video game has struck back and created a great character on the "Washington Redhawks," a team that looks suspiciously like the Atlanta Falcons. This player is a quaterback with a strong arm, blazing speed, and a couple of STDs - yes none other than - Ron Mexico. No word yet on whether they will have his STD statistics alongside his passer rating. Now if they can only give the Raiders a big fat defensive lineman named "Stinky Soul" I might be convinced to actually play a video game. Also, any game that does not have John Madden is superior product for that reason alone. I agree with this review of the moronic color analyst.


Recently I have been debating with some friends whether Columbia Heights is really gentrified or if its all just hype. I still think there is a long way to go before anyone can claim that it is a gentrified debacle, but on SCG’s comments one commenter thinks otherwise and is up in arms about the crazy gentricifaction.
As I rode through Columbia Heights on my bike a couple times last month I became firmly convinced that yuppifaction has far from arrived. Well this guy on his bike in Columbia Heights had it a lot worse than me, at least I didn't end up being pelted with bottles and rocks and knocked to the ground. If this guy was on his bike though, why the hell didnt he just ride away, what a donkey. Of course he could also do the famous Daniel-San moves, which according to this video, are excellent at fighting off gangstas.


I just picked up the new Klosterman book yesterday. If it is half as good as "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" it will be money.


Finally, in more serious news I want to note that Karl rove is cheapening the level of political discourse in this country. Strike that, let me put it more succinctly. Fuck Karl Rove. Last week Rove, the man behind the Bush presidency, saw the sagging poll numbers for Bush and the Republican Congress and decided to attempt to divide America once again. The asshole said:

“Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.”

In other words, he is saying that only Republicans wanted to strike back at terrorists and the nations harboring them, while democrats are a bunch of pussies who want to have therapy sessions. Once again, fuck him. This liberal wanted to go and bomb the shit out of Afghanistan and every other country that supported the terrorists, and guess what, so did every Democrat I know. The Mystery pollster points out that the Senate authorized military action against Afghanistan by a vote of 98 to 0 and the House approved 420 to 1. Also, a CBS poll taken in September of 2001 found that 93% of Republicans and 86% of Demcrats favored military action. 84% of "self-described liberal"s supported military action against the terrorists, and Mystery Pollster backs it all up with numbers.

But Rove knows all of this, he did not make his comments because he believed they were true, he simply tries to defame Democrats and liberals in order to further polarize the nation, and build support for Bush among those who are not paying close enough attention to what is really happening. Once again, fuck him.

Monday, June 20, 2005

I assassin down the avenue.

If your bored at work and reading this, just sabotage the clown in the next cube with some clover seeds, and you may get this:


Or if you are in for a more intricate plot, with hours of preparation, and bouncing rubber balls --- go with the hidden, above celing, tsunami tube of superball fun


Why not also think abbout this while your bored. A few days ago Donkey McDonkerton axed "why they aint found him yet," regarding Bin Laden. Well it turns out that the new director of the CIA claims to have an "Excellent idea" where he is hiding, but that we cannot get him because “you're dealing with a problem of our sense of international obligation, fair play.”

What? Are you freaking kidding me: international obligation? When has anyone associated with the Bush administration even been slightly concerned with fair play, especially when they are tracking Amerika's Most Wanted. This is just a stupid and pathetic excuse. Maybe even dumber than when when Bush was asked by the Washington Post why we haven't found him, and he remarked: "Because he's hiding." --President Bush, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005. At least Bush's answer was more honest. Oh and Bush has also said that he has not found him because just doesn't spend that much time on him. Nope, too busy attacking countries that don't threaten us.


In more serious news, we have been watching this dumbass kid rap on the internets for years.

But how did he get his own show on MTV?


Who knew there were so many reasons to rock a Darwin Fish? I need one for my next trip to Bridgeville Delaware.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

His luminosity is revealed when the lights are diminished

Lots of redonk links today:

--Does he really become mentally unstable at the mere audio presence of a cymbal and a high-hat? Read all of the implausible claims made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit "Ice Ice Baby."


--If you need to quickly close this blog, or any other, when the boss comes around, be sure to employ this window-closing device, found by Boles.


--Ever wonder about that wacky lookin "e-store" around the corner from my crib.

Apparently they sell your stuff for you on ebay, and then take a cut of the profits. Why not just list your stuff on craigslist?


--The triumph comic dog CD is actually high-larious and kept me entertained throughout the trek to Delaware last weekend. You can check out his new insults against the Michael Jackson Supporters and American Idol whackjobs here.


--In a more relevant list piggybacking off the last post, in which we learned that Jesus recycles people, I have also learned that Jesus saves. The good people at McSweeney’s have identified just how he saves, including cutting his own hair (but not often).


--All the patriotic middle Americans should also pay tribute to our greatest national resource, the American dinosaur. Watch the movie here: Crappin' glory on Iraq.


--Finally, Donkies(eys) Football ended well but the season wasnt as great as we hoped; Donkies Soccer is a powerhouse, but we are currently in the elite division and every games is battle; Donkies Softball was great in montgomery county but we struggled in the DC division; so instead we found a sport we could dominate. The RHCK/Donkies/eys/ Kickball team finished in first place out of 16 teams and we hold the #1 seed in the playoffs beginning next week. Donkies are takin over.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Billboards quoting things you'd never say

This weekend we rolled to Dewey and Rehoboth beaches, and a good time was had by all. There was very little of the drunken craziness of last year, and past Dewey trips. No knockout battle using the “Hulk Hands” resulting in a broken door, no $175 fines for resisting arrest, no reverse leg kicks on innocent female by-standers, no drunken midnight ocean diving, and not even a pointless drunken conga train. Instead, this was more of a weekend to chill at the ‘rents new beach house, cook up some great food, and relax. Outside of Spoony deciding to shower the world’s oldest bachlorette with his Willy Waterbug imitation, and a 45 minute search for a cab, everything was relaxing and smooth.

The parents new place is on the west side of Route 1, about a 4 minute drive to downtown Dewey or to downtown Rehoboth. Far enough away from the craziness for peace and quiet but just a short hike to the beach or bars. On the way to Rehoboth, however, is where the real craziness began. In between the liberal oasis of Washington DC (where somehow Bush almost finished third to Nader) and the liberal oasis of coastal Delaware, you pass through a humongous stretch of Jesusland. Now everyone has already had a good chuckle at the jesusland map, but the reality of jesusland didn’t really hit me until our pit-stop in Bridgeville Delaware. As if all the wacky church signs were not enough it got even crazier.

Brett really wanted to stop for food in Bridgeville, so we found a spot. Apparently this little little Eastern Shore town is home to the Apple-Scrapple festival so I knew we were in for a good time. Nothing indicates that your in for good time like nature’s goodness, apples, and the mysterious breakfast meat, scrapple, all rolled into one festival.

Despite the high concentration of Jews in the car, I figured we’d blend right in - I mean Brett has a bigass Esacalade that even has USA ribbon on the side (really just there to cover a ding). We settled on Bridgville’s only ethnic restaurant: Tony’s Pizza and Pasta. As soon as we sat down I began examining the placemat It contained mostly typical items for a rural eastern shore town that has seen better economic times: demolition, auto salvage, auro parts service, equipment rental. But right there below the pronouncement of “Placemat Fun” I saw the tagline for Fitzgerald’s Auto Salvage:

“Jesus Recycles People. . .We Recycle Cars.”

This is the good stuff you just don’t get in D.C. or Dewey. It does not even make sense. At first I thought it was a reference to reincarnation, but I don’t think J.C. is even down with that mess. Anyway, that is what appeals to consumers in rural Delaware, so who am I to argue. Just thought I’d share the "placemat fun" with all my friends on the internets. Was I crazy to be so amused by this placemat and tagline or is this really what 90% of America is like beyond the big cities and my liberal oases?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Potty Equality: Are you sh!tting me?

As many of my readers already know (ok both of my 2 readers), my law firm represents many restaurants and bars in the D.C. area. Well it turns out that New York City has recently passed a ridiculous law mandating that all restaurants and bars maintain a 2-to-1 ratio in favor of women’s restrooms, and D.C. may be considering the same action. Dear readers, I shat you not, this is an actual law. When the Today Show wanted someone to comment on the“bathroom equality bill” from the restaurant perspective, they called.... us. Now I know the Today Show is not Meet the Press, but why this is an issue of national attention at the same time as the war in Iraq, the Downing Street Memo, Darfur, and Lindsay Lohan’s herpes/crack addiction, I’m not sure. However since they are interviewing the law partner from my firm I had to come up with some good lines for lawyer #2 to use in his ultra-serious “interview.”

Just as an aside, I don’t know about the rest of you, but it seems to me that practically every time I have frequented any local bar in recent months, the line for the Men’s room has actually far exceeded the line for the women’s room. To add insult to injury, almost every girl who walks by seems to make some snide comment such as “oooh a line at the boy’s room, sucks to be you - hahaha.” Don’t they realize times have changed and there is always a line at the guy’s room now. I don’t know where this top-secret bar is located that is packed with mostly chicks (probably a martini bar), but every bar in this city seems to have a helmet majority. Those old-time medieval guys in the Molson’s commercial joking about a “maiden free enviroment,” “a jousting competition,” and “bayonet polishing” are probably located in Adams Morgan or Georgetown on a Saturday night. Anyway, they called and asked us for an interview on this ever-important subject, and I was asked to supply some quotes for our national t.v. exposure. Media whoring is always fun.

At first I suggested that this law would cause restaurants to tear down Men’s bathrooms or build less Men’s bathrooms in order to comply with the redonkulous law. This is the approach taken by universities who cut wrestling and other men’s sports in order to have equal numbers of women’s and men’s bathrooms. Next, I questioning the phrasing of “bathroom equality” when the results would clearly be unequal. Non of these ideas were sticking. The next idea floated was to make all the bathrooms similar to those unisex marvels at Mei N Yu. However, the Ewoks running around on the rope ladders and bridges at Mei N Yu would probably scare away all the customers, and lawyer #2 shot down this idea. Instead, the best idea that I located was to stop women from attending the bathroom in pairs.

If women flew solo on their trips to the bathroom that would almost certainly ease the need for the double capacity of women’s rooms. (This would also eliminate the awful seinfeld-esque jokes from hack comedians on comedy central: “you ever wonder why women go to the bathrooms in pairs, what exactly are they doing in there, gi gi gi guh”.) Why not suggest to the Today Show that half of the women waiting in line for the bathroom are just doing their respective girl-friend duties and had no need to adjourn to the water-closet in the first place. Under this proposal, if women shirked their friend duties and told their friend to go it alone, the whole idea behind the law would be moot. I never expected this suggestion to stick, but what do you know, lawyer #2 says he ran with it in his interview. Moral of the story: tivo Good Morning America on Sunday to see if they run with our suggested solution: ladies just go to the bathroom on your own.

What do you fools think? And this whole article was not a just a fishing expedition to get my first female commenters, ok maybe it was.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Ron Mexico: Chillin at the Washington Harbour?

Some clown named James F. who really hates D.C. is always talking about the VA personalized license plates that he hates. Well tonight, underneath the Whitehurst Freeway, I saw what may be the greatest personalized plate in years (or some say ever). While I'm no fan of Va. Tech plates, you gotta love this one:

If you don’t get the Ron Mexico reference you better axe somebody or just fuckin google it.

In other NFL news, Kris Jenkins of the Carolina Panthers just became my favorite Maryland Terrapin football player of all time (not an easy feat) with this rant regarding Warren Sapp:

"I hate him," Jenkins said. "Everybody says I'm supposed to be polite when I talk to you all. But I hate him. He talks too much. He doesn't make any sense. He's fat. He's sloppy. He acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's ugly. He stinks. His mouth stinks. His breath stinks and basically, his soul stinks, too."


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Had enough of these rumors?

Finally, the rumors on the internets have returned. No longer are they hiding in this breadbasket but instead can be found in their full glory here

As noted here, we went to Williamsburg for a wedding this weekend. No, not the hipster haven, but the hip happening colonial "city" with a vibrant nightlife consisting of 3 or 4 delis.
Anyway, the wedding was tight, and met up with many former Dukes.

Speaking of Dukes, who would have ever guessed we would see this on craigslist. It looks like a plant from the JMU sports department, but hey someone must have bought season tix this year. True story, I once sat through half a game at venerable Bridgeforth stadium.

Next weekend its off to Dewey/Eehoboth. Hopefully we will run into Lurch's crackhead again and maybe a Churpin boy, but we will definitely see many 40 year olds acting out their "Old School Routines." But dont hate on Dewey/Rehoboth, shit is money.

This is the Gtown University response to Brett's comments on collar poppers . You must keep reading to see the Yalie posters defend the object of the article. "alright buddy, i do work hard for my money, and i worked hard to go to yale, and have a piece of shit like you put my collar up for me. I am going to be extremely rich because thats how shit works. Go make me food. "

Lastly, all that is missing from making this webiste perfect is the GUH that comes at the end. giggity giggity giggity giggity giggity g .. g... g... GUH.

Third Kickball Recap

Here is the 3rd kickball recap, I'll post the earlier recpas later in the week. In case you cant tell from the recap, that last team had a really fucking annoying guy.

Well it has been over three weeks since we last heard from the RHCK/Donkies. If you think this lengthy period of silence from the once confident rookie team reflects a downturn in the Donkies’ fortunes, then in the immortal words of poet/philosopher Curtis Jackson a/k/a 50 Cent, “you better axe somebody.” Since our last report the Donkies have solidly thumped one opponent, narrowly defeated a second opponent, and kicked the ever-loving crap out of a third opponent. That is a perfect 3-0 record if you’re scoring at home, or even if your just home alone surfing for internet schmorn.
The only game of the three that had any real drama was the narrow victory over the Bayside Tigers, but not even a roided up, jheri-curled, mullet-sporting AC Slater as pitcher, could have prevented Michelle from scoring the winning run in that Donkies victory. Next came the blowout victory over the Ball Busters where Ari and Dori proved that the Donkies have plenty of players capable of pitching shutout innings (and also proving that the Donkies have many players with funny rhyming names). The blowout victory over the Ball Busters, although the single greatest margin of victory in the league this season, wasn’t the sweetest of all because the BB’s are a generally cool team. Even though a few of the Ball Buster ladies successfully pulled off the “we are just innocent little blonde girls who don’t know the rules, could you please ref for us trick” (How could you fall for that Gerard), they easily redeemed themselves by buying pitchers for the Donkies’ refs and hanging late into the night. Also, they did not even complain when Spoony (no relation to Ari or Dori) decided to drill a kickball into the back of one female ball buster, because he was deeply concerned with losing the 20 run lead. While that game was fun, the sweetest victory of the three game sweep came in the recent thumping of the Snoochie Boochies.
Never before has a Kevin Smith line been so degraded as when Snoochie Boochies was selected as the moniker for the Boochies. But, to quote another K. Smith line “There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?.” To understand why this victory against a team of mostly cool players is considered the sweetest victory, it would help to familiarize yourself with the medical condition known as the “infected taste bud.” An infected taste bud occurs when a teeny tiny taste bud on your tongue swells to 2 to 3 times its normal size, and annoys the crap out of you for days at a time. This almost microscopic taste bud becomes more annoying than anything that small or unimportant should ever be, and prevents you from fully enjoying whatever is going on, like a crushing kickball victory. Now the reason that this is relevant is because the Snoochie Boochies have the equivalent of an “Infected Taste Bud” on their roster. One little Infected Tasted Bud, or ITB, should not be able to annoy an entire team to the point where Jason wanted to punch him “in da face,” but this guy did the trick.
Now you can understand why it was the sweetest moment of the 3 game sweep, when B.Rome smacked a 2-run insurance home run straight over the head of ITB and the Donkies celebrated their already-sealed victory. Earlier the Donks had a chance to extend the lead even further, when Jim executed a perfect bunt that caused the ball to barely move. Unfortunately, the bases were loaded at the time and the perfect bunt amounted to what Dick called “the biggest sports blunder since Chris Webber's timeout for the Fab Five.” In the end, the Donkies were again successful despite the taunts of the ITB, who was almost stomped by an angered Holly during one of the more entertaining at-bats of the season. We had her back.
The only thing more annoying than playing kickball against an ITB is playing flipcup against an ITB. Kim did everything in her power to resist the Casanova’s considerable charms, a feat only slightly more difficult than breathing, and the Donkies managed to pull out a few victories on the flipcup table as well. However, the highlight of the night had to be when ace pitcher AJ threatened his own entire team with bodily injury for kicking him out of the flipcup survivor tournament, a move he still believes to be unjust and part of Richard’s sinister plot to oust him. In conclusion, the RHCK/Donkies secured another three solid victories, including an amazingly sweet victory over a team featuring an infected taste bud