Wednesday, June 28, 2006

U.S.A. in 2010 - the athletic team we support will score more points than our opponents

Thanks again to youtube, here is some classic Maryland Terps footage. It is true: “The athletic team they were supporting did score more points than its opponents.” It is also undeniably true “There is no I in Sofa,”
All you terps alumni can be proud.

Ok, I’m sure many of you got that idiotic “Evolution of Dance” video sent to you in the past couple weeks. I think four different people sent me that video of some dorky white guy pulling off every dance move invented throughout the last thirty years. This version alone got over 1 million views.

Well here is the “Evolution of Dance” for the “rest of us.” I believe this video has captured all of MY dance moves through the years...unless it is 1:30 am and I’m hammer-timed and decide to bust out the back that azz up.

I have the perfect accessory for watching my video ipod on the metro.

So what if I look like some kind of Star Wars extra, nobody will distract me from my downloaded copy of The Office, and that unshowered homeless meth-addict will not get all up in my grill to try to sneak a peak.

In case you were wondering just how astoundingly stupid the conservatives running our country actually are -- the Senate came within one vote yesterday of passing a constitutional amendment to ban something that hurts nobody - just to prove how damn patriotic they are - flag buring. America... Fuck Yeah!

I guess after Congress failed in trying to change the Constitution in order to more easily discriminate against fags, they turned to the next most important issue, protecting our mighty flag. Because the real problem is not our soldiers in Iraq being burned, instead its our flags being burned, pretty smart congress.

Although the amendment barely failed, at least I can see why they brought it up. According to the Post, there has been a “33 percent increase in the number of flag-desecration incidents this year.” May it is a problem, a 33% increase, this must be stopped. But then from the post... . “The number has increased to four, from three.” Wait a second, these morons are trying to change our constitution, which has been rarely tinkered with in our whole nation's history, in order to stop four moronic protesters a year, from burning a piece of cloth. Wow.
Unfortuneatlely for all the brave conservative supporters, we were not able to join the other three mighty freedom-loving nations that have already enacted such bans...China, Iran, and Cuba
I was already terrified of snakes on a plane, and now Colbert points out that according to the conservative Wall Street Journal, I must also be afraid of snakes in a marriage.
I now present everyone’s favorite new game show: Coulter vs. Hitler
Score another one for David Cross. In another shocker, it turns out that self-proclaimed redneck comedian Larry the Cable is not really a redneck, that is not his real accent, he is not a cable guy (shocker) and his whole act is just him trying to make some money by convincing middle america that he is a high-larious blue collar redneck, with a bunch of cool fart jokes. Check out this side-by-side comparison with his old act as some kind of east coast liberal.
The rest of this post will be dedicated to the greatest sporting event on earth – the World Cup. The World Cup only comes around once every four years, so if you are a soccer hater -- shut up, deal with it for a couple more weeks, and enjoy the next four soccer-free years until 2010.

While the World Cup is the greatest, there are a few things that I would like to change about international soccer. What follows are my four main areas of concern, or formal complaints that I would hereby like to lodge with FIFA, soccer’s international governing body. Just remember I am making these criticisms out of love for the game – not like the idiotic article I will profile after my four issues.

1) Diving. The swan diving and fake injuries after every bit of minor contact are out of control in international soccer. There is no way that MAGIC SPRAY can really work. Seriously? Magic Spray? (Watch any second the guy is being carted off on stretcher, then he is sprayed with the magic spray and.... BOOM, back on the field running). Soccer players are super tough, but when everyone is caught up in this acting nonsense, in order to draw foul calls, they look like humongous jackasses. Win like a man, lose like a man, but quit the diving.

2) Time keeping. The time-keeping redonkulous. There is no rhyme or reason to injury/stoppage time, and the ref makes no signal when the clock is stopped. Why not just have the ref, raise his arms to stop the clock during any stoppage in play, and the time keeper then press the little button on the clock to stop it ticking - just like in basketball. Instead, the referee is the only person who knows how much time is left, and he clearly fudges it – randomly adding 2 or 3 minutes to most games. Why is this the only sport in the world that cant use a clock to countdown the time? Instead the clock counts upward and the only person who controls the clock, makes no mention of the time to anyone else. This is incredibly stupid, especially when the refs often let a play continue and until the ball is eventually played out-of-bounds and then call and end to the game. Clearly the ref was just making up the time left in these instances... Nonsense.

3) Penalty Kicks. There is a large box in front of the goal and all major fouls in this box result in a penalty kick. OK so far, so good..... except that the box is not entirely directly in front of the goal, and wraps around the sides. Also it makes no difference if the player is in the far corner of the box and running AWAY from the goal when he gets fouled -- automatic penalty kick. After the foul, or dive (see complaint #1) the player is awarded a penalty shot from point blank range that will most likely result in a goal. The percentage of penalty shots converted in-game is about 5,000 times higher than any other type of shot, and in a game in which the average number of goals is somewhere around 2, awarding a penalty kick for every foul in the box is just stupid. What we are left with is referees “deciding the game” (See, Ghana v. USA, Socerroos v. Italy).

4) FIFA subbing rules. For some odd reason, international soccer has decided to allow only three subs per game. The result is that the last ten minutes of the game – which should be the most exciting – often involve players who can barely make it from one side of the field to the other. Also if there are unforseen injuries, some teams are left playing a man down because they “used up” all their subs. I have yet to hear a good argument for limiting the number of subs to only three.

Despite these complaints, I still love the game, and I would rather watch 4 consecutive zero-zero ties, than sit through nine innings of even the most "exciting" baseball game. So on with the blogging and redonkulous linking
As opposed to my reasoned criticisms of soccer, I will now show you what happens when an esteemed conservative publicaiton, the Weekly Standard, attempts to critique soccer. Bullshit ensues. These clowns in a respected conservative publication actually believe that soccer is part of a liberal plot to pussify America and replace their boring-ass baseball. If you don’t believe me, here is one such direct quote:
“DESPITE HEROIC EFFORTS of soccer moms, suburban liberals, and World Cup hype, soccer will never catch on as a big time sport in America.”

Suburban liberals are trying to foist soccer upon us? About the only thing that the article gets right is the last paragraph which states that doooonkeys would be money at soccer.
The freakonomics authors, who apply economic theory in kick-ass real world applications, have now studied penalty kicks and determined that while many more kickers use the strategy of kicking it down the middle, this is not employed as often as it should, because you look like a freaking idiot on those occasions when you don’t score. I buy that theory completely. Those in the world cup would be merely be seen as chokers in their home countries if they missed wide on a penalty shot, but if you kick right at the goalie the shame is probably tough to live down.
Finally, in an amazing video there is a young Brazillian striker who does an amazing Seal-like March with the soccer ball, and it looks impossible to stop. The guy can flick the ball up to his head and run down the field balancing the ball. He has claimed that the only way to stop him is to foul – and the defenders in this video seemed to have bought that theory, because he gets destroyed many times. Yeah, watch these fouls on the guy and tell me soccer is not a full contact sport/
Although, we lost last week, I was sure right about Dempsey, he is the future of US soccer.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Thanks to Soccer, I grind more Ice than a hockey skate

If you are not watchin the Copa Mundial this Thursday at 10:00 then you gots problems. After the shakiest of shaky starts against the Czech Republic, the US bounced back nicely and outplayed the heavily favored Italian team despite being a man down for the entire second half. We watched the first game on 20 tiny TV's at Rumors and had nothing to show for the 2 hour lunch, so all further US games will be viewed at home on the big screen in the Paper Mill. Be there - Thursday at 10 A.M.

After the "Czech Yo Self Before You Wreck Yo Self Debacle," I pined for Clint Dempsey to get some playing time, and it turns out that Arena actually agreed. In fact, Dempsey got the start against Italy and brought some much needed passion to Sam’s Army. Not only does Dempsey have compsure with the ball and the skill and courage to actually take on defenders 1-on-1, but the guy is also a gangsta rapper. I’m not saying he is “like” a gangsta rapper, or has the demeanor of a gangster rapper out there....No, the skinny, white, soccer playing kid from Texas is an actual gangsta rapper, and is actually not that horrible. (Better than Shaq actually)

He may not be the best, but you gotta admit that he is at least as good, although not as funny, as this rapping white traffic girl from North Carolina

I have always maintained that musical theater is among the worst of all art forms, but now Nick Hornby, the author of my favorite all-time book, High Fidelity, says that they are making the book into an off broadway production. Could it be, a musical that I will actually enjoy? I will reserve judgment for now.
Everyday the air-conditioning in my building is cut off at 6:00 p.m. and I have found no way to keep the thing running. I have taken to closing my blinds and putting the thing at full blast beginning at 5:00 to get an extra half hour of coolness. But now it looks like I may have found another solution – a USB powered air conditioned shirt. Or I could just start going home at 6:00
OK, so some dumbass GOP politician goes on the Colbert Report last week and puts forth his argument to have the 10 Commandments placed in public courthouses (haven’t they figured out by now what these Comedy Central interviews are about, the congressmen still seemed shocked by the questions). Then good old Stephen Colbert hits him with this nasty trick quesiton..... “Name the 10 Commandments?”... Big shocker the guy has no clue. Oh you mean he may just be stirring up this issue to rally the republican church-going vote? Get out? You mean he doesnt actually believe in it and know the entire bible, I’m stunned. Watch here for the highlarious results. (Another highlight, he is stumped when Colbert asks him to name ANY building that would be a better venue for the 10 Commandments)
And here is some classic Colbert on the 10 commandments

Keeping with the GOP POS theme, Jack Burkman is some random anonymous GOP spokesperson who says stupid, inaccurate, and awful things on cable new such as nonsense like: the 9/11 widows were eager to exploit the deaths and make money right after the towers fell, Democrats equate US soldiers to terrorists, and that Kerry brought the swift boat attacks on himself

Now we know what this idiot does after making these redonkulous statements on national tv. After spewing hatred on democrats and touting his republican family values, it looks like he approaches young girls in town for the gay pride parade and tries to pick em up. The only problem is that he gives out his real card and they get to blog about it and endlessly mock his contacts on a Myspace blog. This chick's myspace blog on the event is highlarious.

UPDATE: Damn, it looks like her myspace page and blog are set to "private" now, so you cant get in on all the fun.
Keith Olberman continues to be one of my heroes


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The "All growns up" edition

This break in blogging has been even longer than than last break, but once again I have a great excuse. Last time it was Puerto Rico for my 30th bday and Delaware for Memorial Day. This time I had a trial in DC court, and BOUGHT A HOUSE. So, once again, I think I am excused for the lengthy break.
As I have spent all my free time doing new-house-associated-activities I have no real substantive blog posts but tons of redonkulous-style linksy goodness

On the plane to Puerto Rico, I was [un]fortunate enough to have Big Momma’s House 2 as my in-flight movie. Now you may be thinking... “wow at the very least you know you will get a better in-flight movie on the way back.” Well, if you thought that you would wrong. Completely, utterly, and demonstrably wrong. In fact, I can guarantee that the movie on the return flight was no better than BMH2..... because that movie on the return flight was ALSO Big Momma’s House 2. I am completely serious – two straight flights featuring this Oscar worthy flick. Even for those who are fans of the recent comedic stylings of Martin Lawrence, this double-dip of Big Momma would seem to be too much to take. Luckily I had a laptop and a video ipod so we did not end up like this fateful flight – “Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2". ((On another note, it is pretty ballsy of the Onion to already dip into 9/11 for comedic effect)).
I am no more likely to go see X-Men 3 in a movie theater than I was likely to see Big Momma’s House 2, but apparently the makers of X-Men picked up on this “I’m the Juggernaut Bitch” movie/internet phenomenon that I linked to a while a back (below the Tahj Holden post) and they actually incorporated the "You Tube" favorite into the movie.

Wiz Bang is referring this incorpation of bloggy humor into actual movies as the “snakes on a plane effect” where directors reshoot scenes simply to appease internet fans. Ill go with that, anyone think there is any chance that The Davinci Code Movie contains any reference to the Leprechaun in Alabama or just wanting to go for the gooooold.

Here is the best choreographed remix of the lady punch video. Take me out.

At least for a couple weeks there Stalkerati was the best way to stalk your friends and neighbors. The site could search myspace, friendster and others all with one click. Now it seems that myspace has found a way to block this search function, but Im sure they wont be stopped for long.
Inside the NBA remains the best sports studio show on television, no doubt.
Now that I bought a house and I'm becoming all growns up, is this what I have to look forward to?
I dont think there is any way I could agree more with this rant against DC 101

A sampling
Fourth, we would be forced to brave our morning commute without the vapid chatter and hyena cackle of your pudgy (if intellectually emaciated) mascot, Elliot. Think of the potential damage to our collective IQ brought on by the sudden absence of his musings on beer, tits, and fags; some of us might learn to read in the time we would otherwise have spent furiously pounding the redial button on our phones, trying to win that new yellow H2, or those priceless front-row seats to see Tonic. Without you, there might be room on the dial for a station or two that actually cared about music, instead of a testosterone-fueled training program for the Future Drunk-Drivers of the National Capital Area (Hopelessly Inarticulate Division) masquerading as a worthwhile broadcast outlet. Lastly, but certainly not least, only those of us who have actually taken steps to procure Hoobastank's latest effort would have the opportunity to listen to the almost-Diane-Warren-quality ballad "the Reason" upwards of six times per day.

Anyone looking to write a college essay or other personal statement, needs to look no further than this masterpiece

Small sampling:
"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row."

Hopefully the blogging will pick up again soon, and I can bring you much better content than the above links. However, with everything going on in my life it is not likely. At least I still had wireless interenet in Puerto Rico (and cell phone service in El Yunque Rainsforest that was better than most service in Montgomery County) and I am getting ever close to my goal of reaching the end of the internets.
Here is to hoping that Al Gore runs for President (and wins) and that Landon Donovan and the US team shows up against Italy (and at least ties). Word.